ME...

No one really knows you until they know you... 

I have had friends in my life and still do, who know the surface of who I am! In fact, they all know the surface, even the closest of friends. Last night I shared my story with my ex boyfriend, who I was with for two years! He didn't know the depth of my pain! He knew that I struggled with things in my past but I managed to block them out of my head! I had mastered the art of extending just the surface of who I am! I believed my issues were gone because I blocked them out! i could have turned out differently, I think... Rebellious and a nuisance but I managed to keep it together and not attract too much attention. 

He shared his life story... I knew right then where some unexplained behavioral traits stemmed from! I now felt I knew this man more than ever before! This was the story I needed to hear from the beginning... But everything has a time and place. 

He understands my fears, I understand his. It felt right to share it! There were only 3 people that made my list of the people I thought I could trust with such information... My mother didn't make the list... She is far too emotional! I have given the 2 people but I'm scared to share with this 3rd person in case I'm overstepping boundaries... Should I? Should I not? I struggle with trust! But I trust these 3 people... 

Thank you for accepting my story! You are phenomenal people! You make life easier to face! U inspire and motivate me to do more! 

What's your story? 

OPPORTUNITY IN THE OBSTACLE

Fear, insecurity, anxiety... Why do we carry these oppressors with us? 

Why do we cripple ourselves? They say fear is False Evidence Appearing Real... We miss out on opportunities to be happy because of fear of the unknown. It is also said that when u pray for love, happiness or anything, God does not give you love or happiness, He presents you with the opportunity to love or to find happiness! Often, these opportunities come in the form of obstacles. We shy away from opportunity to overcome the obstacles because of fear, anxiety and insecurity. 

Let it go.. See the opportunity in the obstacle! Break free from the fear that has you chained. You deserve it! You are phenomenal! 

A REFLECTION OF GOD'S LOVE

It is rare that we take time out to praise and thank the phenomenal women in our lives. We only thank them and tell them we love them when something significant happens. I want to take time to thank some phenomenal women who have supported me on this journey of sacrifice. Women who have cried with me when it was tough, laughed so hard with me it hurt, worked day and night running on empty, refueling with red bull! 

It is because of my mother that I was able to embark on this journey. She is the source of my strength. She is amazing. Thank you mom for always believing that I can and will be successful on this path I'm walking! You are phenomenal! 

Moipone, there are many things I am ever grateful for! The support you give me can only leave me believing that you are my sister, you are family. Even in the midst of Your own troubles you manage to come through for me in ways i could have never imagined. You may not know but you are the best friend any woman could ask for! Thank you! You are phenomenal! 

Kananelo, it has only been about 8 months but you have understood me. Your hunger for success is inspiring! The way we feed off each other's brains is amazing! The sleepless nights working and picking each other's brains! Thank you for the day you chose to open up and let me in! You are phenomenal!

Lerato, your innocence is admirable. Your purity in the way you see the world. You always ensure I'm on time and organised! The sweetness in your voice! You are a strong little girl! Thank you for always being so good at managing my diary and doing it with love! You are phenomenal! 

Thank you so much for each of your contribution in my life! This is a reflection of God's love! 

PRETTY YELLOW FLOWER

When people look at you, they see a pretty yellow flower…

They never see the roots of where the radiance stems because its all buried deep within… they don’t know the pain you have endured, the confusion you have faced and the turmoil you are in! they say you glow but deep inside you are gloomy and grey!

There is a hole that has been dug so deep to hide the misery and discomfort… your eyes learn to disguise the colour of the sun and reflect the rays… You have mastered the art of pretending to be ok, in fact, you forget that it’s all pretence for you! Every now and then you revisit the dark side and it reminds you of who you really are and who you avoid dealing with inside… it’s hard being a pretty yellow flower…

THINK AGAIN...

A one carat stone that is florescent when it is kissed by the rays of the sun, platinum bands that are made to compliment the stone that most women wish and pray for , a diamond ring on the left finger... Is that wedding band all there is to the thoughts you have of marriage? What colour scheme your decor will be on the day of the wedding? Red or black velvet cake? The ambience of the big day?

Sometimes women get so caught up in the way their day is going to look when they get married and bury the reality of marriage in the back of their minds until they come back from honeymoon... what happens after the honeymoon? When all those spectators at your wedding have long forgotten the Salmon Roulade they had for starters? When the real issues start?

Have you sat down to really dissect the real issues that bother you? are you able to look at things with the same optimism for the rest of your life? Are you willing to experience the turbulence marriage comes with at times? Can you deal with the fact that you can’t just leave and say "i don't need this, im going to my place"...

All these issues are really ones that bring one back from that place of euphoria to reality... It’s crucial to understand that love alone cannot sustain a relationship that is built in utopia. Women often crave security so much that they live in this utopia even when they are not completely happy. They tend to think "but he looks after me" is reason enough to get married... Are you in love with the idea of being looked after or are you in love with the man... are you in love with the idea of a ring on your finger? is it love or is it the love for possessions that keeps you dreaming that things will be rosy forever?

Think again….

Love is important and should be the source of all your joy and happiness! Yes love alone is not enough, but it conquers obstacles and breaks down barriers to a happy and fulfilling marriage… 

EDUCATED HOUSEWIVES OF JOZI

There seems to have been a shift in perception in the whole idea of being a housewife in the 21st Century. It seems to be about displaying a lifestyle of affluence, glitz and glamour.

The housewives of today are about doing breakfast at Tasha’s, having a yoga appointment at the gym, meeting other mothers for brunches and high teas and going on holidays with the nanny.

In the past, the idea was more about being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen without an education. Today, women opt for the degree and baring the fruits of their motherhood. It becomes acceptable when it is a choice, they say. I spoke to two ladies, Mbali Richards and Lerato Khumalo, who both have university degrees, BA in Journalism and BA in Public Relations, respectively.

The women speak to me to express their decisions around being housewives and educated in a world that presents enormous opportunities for young black women such as them.

“It is not about being unable to tap into the opportunities around us, it is mainly for my children and making sure that i don’t miss a rugby game or a netball match” says Lerato, as she flips her expensive brazilian weave away from her Tom Ford shades. Mbali nods her head as she creams her well-manicured nails and reiterates “it’s really about being a full time mother than being a part time mother and full time career woman.” The two agree that the lifestyle comes with an enormous amount of pressure that people don’t really understand. “It’s really not as glitz or glam as people make it out be” says Mbali, “In the same breath, one also appreciates the perks that come with the lifestyle”

The ladies have no intention of being career women in the future but have aspirations of running a business together. They are looking to start a body and mind boutique where career mothers can go and have some me time and have the “perks” of being a full time mom too.

The women have husbands that understand their choice of lifestyle and have been supportive of their aspirations.

“If it were not for the loving and supportive husband I have, my children would not know the mommy that I am today because I would not be giving them the undivided attention I am giving them.” Lerato says.

Mbali also states that they are truly blessed to be educated and having had the opportunity of being fulltime mothers with supportive husbands.

JUST A THOUGHT

If women want to experience anything remotely close to being successful, then we need to learn to let go of emotions.

Why is it that when women work with together, they feel the need to pull rank on each other? Why are we not trying to work together to really have generations to come appreciate what feminists fought for. They fought for our independence, for women to be acknowledged by male counterparts as equals.
There is no way men can fight this fight, there is no way men can push the movement for us… all we are doing, by fighting each other and not for one another, is further reinforcing the reasons some men feel women do not belong in the boardroom.

If our generation encourages catty behaviour, then this will hinder the growth of women’s emotional intelligence because we will not teach generations to come the importance of sisterhood and unity. We will break the fibre that attempts to strengthen women and allow women to empower each other.

We need to revisit the idea of what women empowerment means to us before we sell the concept to our male counterparts!

A MOMENT'S PLEASURE!!!

When in a long term relationship, there are times you find that you both lose focus of the reasons you’re together and why you both chose to make it work. Then comes a point where love alone won’t help you find that focus and steer in the right direction again. Then sometimes we find ourselves “stealing a moment” with someone else to fill the gap that has been missing from the one relationship you have placed all your efforts and loyalty towards.

I’m sure every woman has been through this before… you know the love you have for your partner is one that is not easily shifted or moved. It’s a love you know God took time to craft just for you… you understand it and it understands you even more! That love without frills, that Corinthians 13 kind of love! YEP, you know that kind of love… 

But even that love, without the necessary work from both parties in the relationship, is not strong enough to withstand being shaken by the efforts of a third party reminding you of your gorgeous eyes, your angelic smile and soothing voice. Yes, those words are often whispered and used as bait for a good time… that’s all! But then once you’ve been caught, the third party realises he has caught a gem and not just a fish!

It is now more than just “stealing a moment” … It’s genuinely caring for someone and it blurs your sight even more on the direction of your relationship with your man. Yep, we are faced with hard decisions at times but it also important to remember that a Corinthians 13 kind of love doesn’t come every day and not found in everyone.

You deserve to be phenomenally happy … you deserve to be a Proverbs woman to someone that reflects Corinthians 13 and reflects the love God has for you…

Don’t let temptation steer you in the wrong direction! A moment’s pleasure can be a lifetime of pain! But it’s also possible to find that love in another…

THE CHOICE LIES WITH YOU… but each with its own consequences!!!!

HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT...

Confusion and fear may cause us to make the wrong decisions and create a snowball of other negative and heavy emotions!

Emotions that cloud your judgment, blur your sight and numbs your senses from guarding against making so called bad decisions... Yes, so called... Sometimes these bad decisions give birth to situations that will strengthen other ties in your life... They open doors you never fathomed would welcome your presence and find a new place called home. At times, we need that fear and confusion to redirect us on the path we need to be on and possibly gives meaning and comprehension to the path you're in. 

Though its a tough space to be in, dwelling in this confusion comes with comfort and being ok with not making a decision... It's comfortable because even with the knowledge of each decisions consequences, there is greater comfort in living in the moment as opposed to taking a risk and finding that your predicted consequences may actually not be accurate! 

They say you can't have your cake and eat it too... But is cake not there to be eaten? If you are not ready to leave that space of confusion... It's ok! The day will come when you stop eating that cake! Sometimes we need the confusion to be able to appreciate what you will have or be humbled by the consequences of what could've been...

Even in the midst of our confusion and fear, you remain  phenomenal... We will be shaped by the decisions you make... Good or bad... There's always a lesson! In every lesson, there is growth as you are now equipped with the experience to make informed decisions for future "bad spaces"... 

STUCK ON THE SOLES OF THE WRONG SHOES!!!!!

When we trust another with our hearts, we put ourselves at risk and become vulnerable to that trustee. We give ourselves, as a child would to their mother, to men that receive us only in the form of sexual beings and not holistically. We find ourselves so helpess that we forget that we have the ability to take back what we gave them, what rightfully belongs to us, what every woman's dna comprises of... POWER!

The pain caused by a man that takes your power is far greater than that of a man that understands and respects your power, a man that contributes towards building your character, a man that knows your worth and prioritises your well being. Oh yes, it hurts more... a physical hurt that bruises the heart and paralyses the body... a punch in the stomach from the power you gave... a pain that you CHOOSE will only be healed by the man that took your power...
He comes back to ease that pain until he leaves again or he finds another to love... and you find yourself right back to the source of hurt... And he still possesses YOUR power! You accustom yourself to a life of pain and sorrow and you become the company misery loves to keep...

One day you'll think you have it together and you are moving on and then that one phone call reminds you that you forgot a part of you where you once hurt! The strength you thought was in you is suddenly an illusion, the courage you searched for to find freedom from this man is immediately chained, the wisdom you gained from the experience of being with this man is merely a figment of your imagination in the seconds it took to answer that call! 

Claim YOUR power... Own it... Take what's yours! Unchain yourself from the oppression of pain YOU have allowed to live in... Take back your power! It's yours... You have the strength, courage and wisdom to know you need to move on, without the power, you cannot mobilize those precious vehicles to freedom! 

You deserve the power that you were born with as a woman... you are phenomenal!!!!!! He just doesn't respect and understand your power... He'll forever walk all over it... Don't get your power stuck on the soles of the wrong shoes! 

,

DOMESTICATED BRAZILIAN!!!!

As I speak to some colleagues, one of them tells me that she does not think that I can cook, clean and I don't slightly possess any characteristics of a woman that could look after a man, let alone a family! THE SHOCK!!!

Why is it that the choice of having a brazilian, malaysian, peruvian and indian weaves with nails that are well manicured and lashes, for some, give women that don't have those things the idea that all women with hair extensions and fake nails are not domesticated? I mean, if one thinks about it, many of us in our late 20s experienced life in the township, if not, we visited and still do visit families in the hood and we know how to do things that are expected of girls...

It is very insulting that people think that my weave and nails make up who I am... I may not be Nigela Lawson in the kitchen, but dammit maan... I know how to put a meal together... I may not possess a cleaning certificate but i know how to use a broom... Is it because I don't live in the hood and experience the everyday struggles that has me judged by women who are so called grounded and traditional...  I AM TRADITIONAL too... In fact, I may be more traditional and domesticated than you may ever be... Unless tradional means; I must not own a car, have a weave and live in the burbs.... then hey, shoot me.. I'm not traditional... If being grounded means I am not a woman of substance that is educated and knows how to build a home, treat a man and constantly looking for opportunities to make money... I am guilty of not being grounded!
Why is it that I need to look "ungroomed" and unpretty to display any sort of worthiness of being a traditional or domesticated woman? why must I be stagnant and not hope for more than I have? If being a domesticated traditional and grounded woman means I must be primitive in my thoughts and not want to grow myself in the direction which the world is moving... then I need to revisit the definition of being domesticated... I will not apologise for the things I have!!! I am not my weave... I AM A PHENOMENAL WOMAN!!!!

And for now, one thing is certain... this brazilian right here.... its domesticated baby - ya koropa ya tlhatswa ya tsokotsa!!!

THE JOURNEY OF SACRIFICE

When I embarked on taking this journey of sacrifice and going back to school fulltime after 6 years of working fulltime and being independent. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make in my life. I was confused, scared, very insecure and unsure about the step I was about to take. How do I go back? does it mean I have been defeated? have I failed to manage my life? These are the daunting thoughts that haunted me at night and made me cry in the day... Then I took the leap of faith!!!
I now completely understand why I had to be in this insecure space to be where I am today... I have met the most amazing women in my path, the most inspiring people and opportunities I never fathomed possible.

We all have a time in our lives when things dont make sense, things seem very bleak and we find ourselves in a dark space. We are unhappy, we know that what we are doing is not fulfilling and know what we want but not sure how to get what we want. I found that this is the space that is telling us that we need to make a decision of sacrificing something in our lives to get to where we want to be. Sacrifice is something that human beings are terrified of because of fear of the unknown and then we end up settling for a job that pays a salary, any man that is single, mediocre friends and so on... It all has a ripple effect in our lives.

Sometimes we dream and get lost in the noble ideas of our dreams of changing or making a difference in the country and eventually the world. We forget to think critically about the HOW TO part and the dreams we have eventually become overwhelming and almost seem impossible and throws us in that dark space. In a time like that, I have since learned, we need to surround ourselves with people who will inspire us to implement our thoughts into action and positively critique our ideas to be able to show you the challenges ahead and also people who will help you find ways of overcoming obstacles that may come.
We must also remember that these people are not necessarily people we call friends and it does not mean that because your friends are not these people, the friendship is not constructive or real, it just means it serves a different purpose in your life.

When you are in that space... Think about the things you want the most and take the first step in finding out how to achieve what you want to do by telling someone you know will give you sound advice or networking or even searching the net to find out more about that particular thing.

It is possible because you are phenomenal... we need to deprive ourselves of something once so that we give back twice as much one day...it just takes sacrifice!!!

A NOTE TO GOD!!!!!

I want to thank You for the lessons You have allowed me to learn in my life... Some experiences I still ponder on the lessons or knowledge I was meant draw... There is a particular experience that still makes me wonder to this day... WHY? It was painful, it is painful... I didn't understand it, I don't understand it... I guess You knew the strength I had and maybe that was the lesson... I'm a strong woman... I thank You for bringing me out of it all... At some point I thought You had forgotten about me!

Today I sit here and know that it's all about me... A Father never forgets his little girl... I thank You for the lesson You've brought to me about love... I thought it was about losing myself and forgetting everyone else and now I know what love really means and what it's about.... Everyday I am reminded that You love me; for You have sent a love that is humble, caring, kind and patient... A love that teaches me about myself, a love that inspires, motivates and supports me...

God, You have blessed me with the gift of love that serves me entirely... I have a clearer and more precise vision of my life... I thank You for reminding me that I too, even as undeserving as I am, have been blessed with a gift that others on dream of....

Thank You for gracing me with the gift of LOVE as I journey into my phenomenal womanhood... I love You Lord...

Take a moment to thank Him for all the goodness in your life...

WE ARE BLESSED!!!

SALMON VS PAP...

The pain i feel as i study development communication and this tradition vs modernity business. I must say, i cringe with embarrassment and hang my head in shame to realise how this modern and western way of life has completely abducted me from my roots...
Reading about these developed countries' theories about how traditional people lack the mental ability to adapt to new conditions....wow... I realise where my ideas about tradition being "soooo yesterday" and primitive, come from.

Why is it that i twang like i am of European origin but need to make a phone call to confirm some words in vernacular? Yes we are moving into a different time and era but why were traditions able to survive from 2000years ago and able to withstand all the evolution that has come about?

Im not saying i want to see men walking around in beshus and women with their tits hanging all over... However, as a woman, 21st century or not, is it not my duty to learn and carry the tradition down to my daughter or niece?
How many of us know how to make pasta salads with olives and salmon with a hint of basil pesto but can hardly make pap... Im all for convenience and quick meals that don't take all the energy in me to 'soka', but at least to learn how to make dumbling, samp, malana... Just the know how is ok... As long as we are able to impart to those that come after us!

After reading about how the media has influenced the 3rd world (us) to LIVE AN ILLUSION OF AFFLUENCE and grow our own produce only to sell it so we can buy processed foods by affluent nations, had me doing some introspection about our development as a people.

Is the development we aspire for truly equipping us or are we becoming puppets and mimicking the western world at the expense of our roots?

Lets not let our customs and beliefs erode because we are phenomenal!

*as i learn how to make ledombolo*

FACT OR FICTION???

As we grow up and become women that are old enough to do "dilo tsa batho ba bagolo", direct translation (adult things), we always come across statements like "bo pila ba monna bo mo potleng" (a man's attractiveness is in his wallet), "di lazaro dija monate" (broke guys chow properly) and "banna ba naleng di chelete ba bofokodi" (opposite of the lazaro statement about monied  men)!

I don't know how true this really is though... And as women, do we believe these things based on the fact that its information that is passed on to us or is it our experiences?
Are the tails we've been told about Lazaro and the attractiveness of a man being in a wallet, not swaying the direction of our perceptions maybe? I mean, I could date an ugly ass filthy rich man and not spend a dime of his money and enjoy his "bofokodi" or date a broke guy that won't come close to "getting me there" and still have the audacity to ask for R100 for gas money... That's if he didn't need to be picked up to begin with!
Though I've always wondered, bo lazaro, where do they get this supposed skill??? And then I think...  it's obviously because when other men are working on the sizes of their wallets, they are watching movies and practicing how to pick a girl up and chow her on the kitchen counter... Hmmm... Not far fetched... Anyway...

My take is, its about sexual compatibility, really... But the flaw in my diplomatic view point is; what happens when you really like someone and he is everything you are looking for in a man and ticks all the right boxes but has a small centre piece??? Do you then exercise your running abilities? Or do you consult men's health? Or do you go with "its about the ocean in the motion or motion in the ocean" concept?!

We are very judgmental as women... And sometimes we put unnecessary pressure on men... Shame!
What if its not that he doesn't have a small willy? Maybe its that you might just have a bigger situation down there, than what he's used to?

I've heard all sorts ofname calling of the guys' packages... From "s'khrumelo sa lipstick", "cheesegriller", "malana a khoho", "potato wedge", "pinnochio" and the funniest I've heard, "mbitjana"... Let's play nice ladies... Lets play nice!

Is it fact or fiction in your experience? Lazaro oja monate for real? and skepsil sa Modimo, rra di chelete o foketse? I know we all have stories that bring a chuckle or two... But...

Their egos lie in their centre pieces and we all stroke them for different reasons so I guess these stories and teachings might not necessarily ring truth to some of us and for some... They may have just hit the nail on the head!

WHAT ARE YOU WITHOUT HIM???

So I just got off the phone with a good friend.... Haven't seen her or spoken to her in a while!
She was telling me about a conversation she had with her man and he was asking where her friends are...

Now, just a bit of background... We were thick as thieves the three of us... The girls that fought for each other and with each other without shaking the relationship... I was the hard headed and stubborn one, she was the opinionated and confrontational one and my other friend, she... Bless her soul... She was the glue that kept everything together... Sweetest friend ever! We went nowhere without each other, partners in crime, cried together and for one another... I remember how my confrontational friend and i cried all day in the sweetheart's bed once because of some stupid boys that were just running game on us...Hahaha! How we have been through our adult life together and shaping the strength we have today as women... Wow!

Today as we were speaking, we realised, now that we are all in relationships, why is it that we are ok with seeing our friendship seep through the cracks of life? Have we lost ourselves so much in the relationships we are in, that even our partners question it?

How many times do we as women lose ourselves and revolve our lives around our partners and their activities and social lives that we lose sight of who OUR people are... I have had a friend break my heart telling me that hanging out with me is not a priority because I won't marry her... And I guess you can't blame me for backing off! But the problem is, when shit hits the fan, this very person you neglect is the very person you will run to...
How is it that men are able to keep their lives balanced and us women, we just don't balance things out? Is it desperation of being in a relationship? Fear of letting him live his own life? Are we in need of being needed? What is it?


I have been this woman before and quite honestly, it is unattractive... I'm glad I was this woman early in my life and realised that it was because of my own insecurities about myself... It's really hard to find friends that are loyal and love you genuinely... For you to go and throw it away because of a man.... Uuummmmm... Not worth it really... I mean, he'll still be there after a day of chilling with your girls... Welllll, so we hope! If he isn't, then he was going to leave anyway....
Ask yourself... why does my partner not lose himself and leave his friends for me? Is there a bit of introspection we need to do maybe? Eeeerrrr, I would say!

Who are you without him??...... Because when things are not ok-ish or when your man is not in town, suddenly you want to avail yourself to your so called friends??? This is also a two way relationship... What you give is what you get....

Time for some introspection.... Just a thought, use it... Don't.....

WHEN YOU MISS SOMEONE!!!

When you miss someone that was once dear to you, it forces you to reflect on the lessons that person came with in your life, good or bad! Can't help but think that the person I miss now taught me the meaning of "a quality life"!!! 

Yes it was certainly never meant to be forever, that much I knew from day one... It was all fun and games! 

The long distance drives to Bloem and Kimberly was when I learned how the passion one has for what they do can and will determine the lifestyle one is capable of living....

The lessons I have about marriage at a young age stem from here, what being a wife one day means, what being a mother out of wedlock might mean for me, what being a mother will mean when the time is right, working hard and being independent before I can allow a man to be a part of that... I never thought that all these intricate teachings would come from this place of fun and games! 

I learned that the standards we set for ourselves are the standards we should live by, just cause someone will feel like you're overdressed, doesn't mean you should change your outfit! It's not significant words but they've changed my life significantly! 

The appreciation and respect I have is never ending! This is the place I needed to be in order to fully appreciate, experience, build and trust the place I am today... The beauty of planning is the most wonderful lesson I've taken from this place.

I live my life towards a phenomenal future with my people for you shared your story to better mine! Thank you:)

Who is that person, for you ladies? Take time out and smile in honour and appreciation of the knowledge and wisdom imparted to you! For it has changed your outlook on life:)

I'm forever grateful! 

INSPIRED, MOTIVATED, INVOLVED!!!

Why is it that women have this thing of comparing their  relationships with their men to that of their peers and their partners?

The thing with this craziness that overcomes women is, firstly, they forget that we are all different individuals and when we come together as couples, there is no way we can produce the same results... I don't know, that's just my take! It's like having bread and eggs and expecting chicken a la king from it??? Errrrrr??? When looking at it this way, sounds silly huh?!

But honestly, its as silly as it sounds ladies... You cannot measure the success or failure of your relationship with your man based on your neighbour's portrayal of her relationship... Sometimes we need to consider that we don't know what happens behind closed doors... For all we know, your neighbour is living a private hell and public happiness! It becomes very important for one to really accept their relationship for what it is... If he doesn't buy you flowers, it really isn't the end of the world because maybe he tells you how happy you make him and how much he loves you.

I think its all about asking yourself the following questions... Does he inspire you to be more? Does he motivate you to do more? Is he involved in contributing to a better you and involved in your relationship? Because ultimately, those are the things one needs in order to measure the success of the relationship. If he ticks all those boxes, i really think that everything else becomes secondary and also falls into place the way that it should...

We are unique, therefore, our shit won't fall into place the same way and this place that shit is falling into, won't be the same either. Your place could be a picket fence with 2 kids and mine could just be a long term relationship without marriage or kids...

So I say, as long as you are both inspired, motivated and involved, it is a phenomenal relationship!

ITS IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR.....

We struggle to move from the past and make peace with the past a lot of the time.
We allow the person we have been to rule and over power the person we are today...

We fear change so much that it blurs sight of any type of happiness we might threaten to feel. The past can be a hindrance to reaching your goals and living your dreams. The past has a way of paralysing your sense of self worth. It forces you to pass the harshest judgement unpon yourself. The past will strangle the greatness that is in you and suffocate the thoughts you have of a beautifully bright future.

You are not your past... Yes you may have done or said things that may have left you feeling hollow... But there is a deeper reason why you did what you did and swayed to the so called "bad decisions" in your life... It had to be done... It had to be done for you needed to take from it a lesson to equip yourself with the knowledge and wisdom you will need to tackle your today and direct you path for tomorrow.

Accept the past for what it is for it will never return... You just give it life and glory when you let it defeat you! You allow it to dictate your present life...
If you think about driving.... Its impossible to see where you are going when your head is always looking back... Concentrate on meneuvering the traffic in front of you, and the more you drive and look in the direction you are going, the further away you move from where you started...

The windscreen of your life is also big enough that you are able to see, tackle and decide on how to go about the traffic ahead and the rear view mirrors of your life, much like a car, just serve as a reminder of what you needed to pass through in order to get to where you are... Thats why they are so small, what is behind you does not matter, only the lessons they represent matter...

Live a regret free life for that is what you owe to your present and future life... If its in the past... Let it go... You are not your past...

You are phenomenal....

EVEN WHEN ITS CRAP!!!!

Chatting to a friend of mine this week reminded me of how much crap women tolerate, even with sex!
Which had me thinking how one could start a whole new blog about women's sexual experiences... But thats for another time!

So our conversation led me to looking up the dictionary meaning or definition of the word gyrate because that movement alone, can mess things up with a blink of an eye...

Gyrate /jirat/  verb: 1. Move or cause to move in a circle or spiral, esp. QUICKLY!

That definition for me, was enough to forgive some unmentionable characters because the definition does highlight that its quick! Anyway...
So as we laugh and exchange disastrous sexual experiences...
I ask myself, why is it that women are able to carry on sleeping with a man that doesnt make her toes curl, her knees shake and her cookie contract? Is sex, apart from reproduction, not supposed to give you a body contracting moment that sends blood rushing so quickly from your precious nunu to your throat and exerts itself in the form of a moan from an uncontrolably, juicy, heart racing outter body experience???...

Why is it that we opt for examining the ceiling or cracks on the walls when its crap? Rather than asking a man to stop... Are we desperate to be touched? Are we not confident enough to demand he stops? Are we that comfortable with compromising our standards and settling? Is it a sense of being wanted by a man that makes it ok?

These are some of the questions I had in my head and I just wondered how different things could be if women didnt fake it because if he is just a shag, why fake it? Do women then not give, as my dear friend says, "pity sex" a lot more than they think?
To think that when men are not feeling and actually dont want to carry on with it, they just stop!

Oh but we are phenomenal creatures... Even when dissatified, women still nurture men's egos! Our silence will forever cripple us...

GOLDEN GIRL

The golden girl is such a sweet child, beautiful daughter, responsible sister... Never disappoints!
She has never been in trouble with her parents or teachers or anyone for that matter...

When the golden girl grows up, she is expected to live a certain lifestyle, a boring one in fact, date a certain type of man and have a certain type of job! But no one really asks what this woman wants or needs... Everyone assumes their thoughts are hers, their expectations of her are her aspirations and their hopes for her are her dreams!

No one ever asked her!

Maybe she actually isnt a good girl... Maybe she is a rebel, a bitch, a fuck up, a druggy, a nymph, an alcoholic! But no one really asked her...

Maybe she loves being a mistress, maybe she is good at being bad, maybe just enjoys being with bad boys, maybe she wants to be with a woman.... Just maybe! But no one asks these things because they have her life figured out!

No matter how rebellious others may think you are and how much people pass judgement, YOU own your destiny and everyone else just plays a role in it! If it makes you happy and doesnt eat your heart and soul away, be it!

Let it feel right...

As long as you live a regret free life and you can sleep at night.... I dont see why you too, cant be phenomenal!

TRAVEL LIGHT

When you are alone with your thoughts, this is when you get to assess and scrutinise the issues in your life. Well, this is when you seperate issue from non-issue and determine how much baggage you carry that really doesnt need to be carried!

As women, we worry so much about other people's baggage and constantly forget our own. I guess it is harder to pick up bags you've packed because you know that whatever is inside is such a heavy load to unpack. When concentrating on other people's baggage, you need not unpack... Just help in moving the bags!

When you start focusing on YOU as a woman, you get to understand the importance and significance of unpacking your baggage! You realise you've packed people that hurt you, back stab you, people that find joy in seeing your pain. You have packed them so neatly and just thrown the people you love at the bottom of the bag so untidily they just scatter in your life.

As with packing for a holiday, when you pack, you pack the things that are necessary, things that are useful because of the luggage limit of 20kg per person on a flight...
Do the same with your life... Unpack the people that are unnecessary and useless...

Let your thoughts travel light! You deserve it because you my dear, are phenomenal...

Mwah!

FRIENDS FOR(N)EVER

A friend, by dictionary definition is a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts or 2. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause.

Speaking to Moipone Zwane at 30 about her journey in friendship(s) over the last decade; I have identified my experiences in hers and had many epiphanies about certain friendships in my life. I'm sure it will resonate with all women that have had many friends and have let go of some, distanced themselves from others and moved on with a few.

Moipone's definition of a friend at 20:
a friend was someone I wanted to trust, wanted to rely on and call in the middle of the night because my boyfriend went back to his ex and I needed to tell someone. Someone on the surface I guess....friendly person that was always up for fun times.
Moipone at 30 defines a friend as:
A person who I like, ultimately love…one that I share an emotional attachment with. Someone I can trust, rely on and add value to my personal development. A person that has potential to grow with me, add to what I’ve become as a person and complement that. A like-minded person to a certain extent, although differences tend to add value and depth to the friendship. (Opposites attract). A person I can laugh with…even at the most stupid of things. A person that I can share a quiet space with and not worry about what’s going on in his or her mind…

The pinnacle moment in her life when this changed was when she was about 22years old when people revealed their true colours and she realized that she had put certain people on a pedestal and it was the biggest mistake ever.
As with many of us make these amazing discoveries about our most trusted and loved ones. For some, it happens at an early age and others, well....we just take longer to realize, but eventually, we do.
Being hurt by a friend is part of the journey and Moipone describes the pain as being equivalent to being stabbed through your heart....dis-empowering the emotional being, weakens and clouds one's judgement as you are continuously fighting with and blaming the self for something you have no control over.

When asking Moipone the most valuable lesson she has learnt from the people she has let go of she said "understanding why people are in your life....see their significance for what it is and not what you want it to be. Do not put people on pedestals, we are all human and have our faults...more than anything, no grudges....it was only meant for a season and reason."
As a friend, Moipone has learned that she is not perfect...she over-extends where she is not meant to....she is quick to “rescue” when sometimes the remedy is meant to come from a different source of strength and sometimes needs to back-off and step aside....not always be involved. Not “mother” others as much as she used to...

All friendships have its own anchor and Moipone keeps them going in different ways. In the friends she has chosen to keep in he life, she draws strength and wisdom from them...she is inspired to become a better being, to have faith at the most difficult of times and to be okay with making mistakes...to LOVE and laugh at the “not so serious” things in life. Inspired to see the bigger picture...inspired to breathe, to LIVE! To take care of ME...
Through her experiences, Moipone has learned how to be phenomenal and describes the feeling as... liberating..."I felt important to ME, I mattered. I guess that feeling is a continuous realisation as I shock myself on a daily basis. Daily experiences reveal just how phenomenal I am…and it always leaves me liberated. Like a sunny day after a storm….bright and pleasant."

Many of us lose ourselves in friendships by giving too much and getting too little. Build on a friendship with people who are actually more in competition than anything. Find ourselves in friendships that don't serve us but break us. We all may have different reasons and definitions of friendship but the common and ultimate reason is to belong.
The wisdom comes in differentiating between friends and "frenemies"...

Choose wisely!

THE JOURNEY OF A WOMAN....

It became evident to me in my mid 20's that, in my mother telling me I need to be an independent, strong and God fearing woman with a good financial standing; my mother forgot the 'how to' lecture.

Today I stand here in my late 20's and realize that there is no way another woman was going to be able to explain or put in words all the lessons or experiences to look out for in this journey of life. That lecture of life is merely a practical lesson.
A mother cannot tell her daughter how to prevent her heart from being shattered to pieces by a man, she can only highlight the possibilities. She cannot tell her daughter how to spend her money, she can only advise. A mother can never in a million years, make her daughter feel what God's love feels like, she can only describe.
A mother could not teach her daughter how to get up and walk away from a relationship, a friendship, a job or any experience in her life because the strength of a woman is drawn from her propensity to bounce back from all these hard experiences; and unfortunately, a mother's strength is not transferable to her daughter.

The cliche, 'nobody said life would be easy', is a way of describing that the phenomenal woman we all aspire to be, needs to go through financial difficulties to appreciate wealth. Experience heartache to appreciate genuine love. Be hurt, to be able to carry the right friends into the phenomenal womanhood. Most importantly, experience turmoil to find, acknowledge, understand and build the relationship God wants us to have with Him.

If our mothers did all these things for us, we would never appreciate the value of being alive. It is our experiences that shape our thoughts, actions and the words we utter. We are made up of all these beautifully hidden elements that are unique and can only be discovered by ourselves: and its our actions and reactions to life experiences that steer us to these amazing discoveries.

It is this uniqueness that makes up our phenomena. We are phenomenal, we just need to realize it, accept it, own it, love it!
Our experiences may be similar but only you can reach your financial potential, reach the stage of being one with God and determine what strength and independence mean to you!

We need to be easy on ourselves! We have done relatively well in some aspects of our lives, don't let the little that is tough discourage you from smiling! Wise men say, It is not tough times that last, it is tough people...

If it gets too tough, take a deep breath... Count to 10.... Smile.... Walk away...

THE FAITHFUL CONCUBINE

In today's world there is a notion among women that there are not enough decent men that are single and willing to commit. As I take to the streets, I met up with a young confident and professional woman with a decent job, decent social life and prides herself on being a concubine.


*Karabo, 26, says "Like a wife that knows her role in her husband’s life and their home, the faithful concubine knows hers. I know to wait for his call on a Monday morning from our last conversation on Friday evening; greet him with a smile so bright it shines through the phone" she says, with a chuckle and bright smile.

She says she knows that the time they spend together is limited to what is expected of him at home as a husband. So, she makes "every second count, every minute special and every hour more exciting than the last. " Again, much like the wife, she chooses to be faithful… not because of vows of course; "and certainly not in hope that she will make him leave his wife one day!" as she rolls her eyes. "It's only because of the happiness he brings… " Karabo explains. The limited time she spends with him on the phone, impromptu getaways and meeting at their “usual” spot, is immeasurably, insanely fulfilling in every way imaginable! she elaborates.
She continues to express that "every woman that feels so deeply about man, surely won’t look at other men walking their way! It’s just in our nature to dwell in this beautiful space as women… " After a pause to have a sip of water, she mentions as a 'by the way', "please understand that the faithful concubine is also a submissive woman to this married man that melts her heart, as we have all been taught to be as women."

This one is for the judgemental reader thinking “settling for less” or “second best”…
Karabo expresses that there also comes a time in a woman’s life when all she wants is attention from a man, a man that has no reason to lie about anything because she is too tired of verifying information; a man she is guaranteed won’t give her sleepless nights on a wet pillow.... she is all cried out; a man she doesn’t have to speak to when she doesn’t want to; a man who ensures to protect her heart from getting caught up in a mad mess because her heart has been broken one too many times by a man... "A SINGLE MAN!!!!!" She shouts as she jumps out her chair.

Yes the life may appear unrealistic; going away, partying, creating ambience for every time the man takes the concubine out… "Lest we forget where we come from ladies" she says confidently! "anything solid you have today with your man was built on all those things, you were just gunning for gold and the concubine isn’t though…Don’t get it twisted…"

Now, it takes a strong woman to fight back anything that makes her feel good… but because the faithful concubine is exactly that, a STRONG phenomenal woman, she will remain faithful to the relationship her and this man agreed upon from the start… she will never stray, she will always knock sense and reality into this man and remind him of their connection and not their love…" its deeper than that!" says Karabo. It’s compatibility coupled with understanding of each one’s role and responsibility towards ensuring no one gets hurt, because the faithful concubine knows hurt… and she makes it her priority in this relationship to protect the wife from the hurt she once knew, believe it or not!

"But its not because she thinks you are suuuuuuch a cool wife and you feed her man and, and, and… Naaaaah!" Karabo laughs. She has to protect your heart because if your heart breaks… it breaks hers…. And again not because she likes you… its because then she has to let go of the man that makes her laugh after a hard day at work, a man she can get silly with at any time of the day, a man she carefully chose to protect her heart!
Oh yes, she is faithful to your heart too for her own selfish reasons… then again she is human…. And human beings are selfish!

Always remember that she will forever be faithful to both of you! Judge her, respect her, love her, hate her.... SHE TOO IS PHENOMENAL!!!!

*Not real name

CELEBRATE HER

Woman.... A daughter, a sister, a professional, a wife, a mother, a friend, a mistress or concubine, an inspirational being, a deep soul and father to some.

There are so many ways to describe a woman, good or bad, she is still a phenomenal being. One of the most mysterious, powerful and emotional creations of God's precious works.
We spend so much time hating on each other that we don't realize the beauty in our harmony as women...
We are amazing, we are here to teach about love, respect, honour, loyalty and integrity. Yet the rivalry, the evil thoughts of each other, the tongue lashes and jealousy surpass any efforts of celebrating each other as we should.

Yes, yes, yes... We cannot like or be liked by everyone but, celebrating the self, empowering the self, being yourself takes up so much of one's time that you have no time to hate on others... Claim you title as a conquerer and warrior of your destiny.... Understand that other women around you do not define your destiny, they just have a role in it! Ultimately, the decision of being phenomenal lies with YOU!

The journey I've travelled as a woman has many roads that most women have travelled as well! Down these roads and allies I have learned that it is the darkest of roads that lead u to the brightest of lights... It is those dark and gloomy walks of life that bring clarity of who you choose to take the rest of your journey of life with! It is important to know that letting go of relationships that don't serve you does not mean you are angry; you have learned enough to celebrate that relationship at a distance.

We are going to celebrate women... Celebrate the "b*tch" until her halo brightens her words, thoughts and ideas, celebrate the powerful woman so she may spread knowledge and unleash potential in other women who aspire to like her, celebrate the mistress, the wife, the friend, the father, the daughter because she too is PHENOMENAL!