FRIENDS FOR(N)EVER

A friend, by dictionary definition is a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts or 2. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause.

Speaking to Moipone Zwane at 30 about her journey in friendship(s) over the last decade; I have identified my experiences in hers and had many epiphanies about certain friendships in my life. I'm sure it will resonate with all women that have had many friends and have let go of some, distanced themselves from others and moved on with a few.

Moipone's definition of a friend at 20:
a friend was someone I wanted to trust, wanted to rely on and call in the middle of the night because my boyfriend went back to his ex and I needed to tell someone. Someone on the surface I guess....friendly person that was always up for fun times.
Moipone at 30 defines a friend as:
A person who I like, ultimately love…one that I share an emotional attachment with. Someone I can trust, rely on and add value to my personal development. A person that has potential to grow with me, add to what I’ve become as a person and complement that. A like-minded person to a certain extent, although differences tend to add value and depth to the friendship. (Opposites attract). A person I can laugh with…even at the most stupid of things. A person that I can share a quiet space with and not worry about what’s going on in his or her mind…

The pinnacle moment in her life when this changed was when she was about 22years old when people revealed their true colours and she realized that she had put certain people on a pedestal and it was the biggest mistake ever.
As with many of us make these amazing discoveries about our most trusted and loved ones. For some, it happens at an early age and others, well....we just take longer to realize, but eventually, we do.
Being hurt by a friend is part of the journey and Moipone describes the pain as being equivalent to being stabbed through your heart....dis-empowering the emotional being, weakens and clouds one's judgement as you are continuously fighting with and blaming the self for something you have no control over.

When asking Moipone the most valuable lesson she has learnt from the people she has let go of she said "understanding why people are in your life....see their significance for what it is and not what you want it to be. Do not put people on pedestals, we are all human and have our faults...more than anything, no grudges....it was only meant for a season and reason."
As a friend, Moipone has learned that she is not perfect...she over-extends where she is not meant to....she is quick to “rescue” when sometimes the remedy is meant to come from a different source of strength and sometimes needs to back-off and step aside....not always be involved. Not “mother” others as much as she used to...

All friendships have its own anchor and Moipone keeps them going in different ways. In the friends she has chosen to keep in he life, she draws strength and wisdom from them...she is inspired to become a better being, to have faith at the most difficult of times and to be okay with making mistakes...to LOVE and laugh at the “not so serious” things in life. Inspired to see the bigger picture...inspired to breathe, to LIVE! To take care of ME...
Through her experiences, Moipone has learned how to be phenomenal and describes the feeling as... liberating..."I felt important to ME, I mattered. I guess that feeling is a continuous realisation as I shock myself on a daily basis. Daily experiences reveal just how phenomenal I am…and it always leaves me liberated. Like a sunny day after a storm….bright and pleasant."

Many of us lose ourselves in friendships by giving too much and getting too little. Build on a friendship with people who are actually more in competition than anything. Find ourselves in friendships that don't serve us but break us. We all may have different reasons and definitions of friendship but the common and ultimate reason is to belong.
The wisdom comes in differentiating between friends and "frenemies"...

Choose wisely!

THE JOURNEY OF A WOMAN....

It became evident to me in my mid 20's that, in my mother telling me I need to be an independent, strong and God fearing woman with a good financial standing; my mother forgot the 'how to' lecture.

Today I stand here in my late 20's and realize that there is no way another woman was going to be able to explain or put in words all the lessons or experiences to look out for in this journey of life. That lecture of life is merely a practical lesson.
A mother cannot tell her daughter how to prevent her heart from being shattered to pieces by a man, she can only highlight the possibilities. She cannot tell her daughter how to spend her money, she can only advise. A mother can never in a million years, make her daughter feel what God's love feels like, she can only describe.
A mother could not teach her daughter how to get up and walk away from a relationship, a friendship, a job or any experience in her life because the strength of a woman is drawn from her propensity to bounce back from all these hard experiences; and unfortunately, a mother's strength is not transferable to her daughter.

The cliche, 'nobody said life would be easy', is a way of describing that the phenomenal woman we all aspire to be, needs to go through financial difficulties to appreciate wealth. Experience heartache to appreciate genuine love. Be hurt, to be able to carry the right friends into the phenomenal womanhood. Most importantly, experience turmoil to find, acknowledge, understand and build the relationship God wants us to have with Him.

If our mothers did all these things for us, we would never appreciate the value of being alive. It is our experiences that shape our thoughts, actions and the words we utter. We are made up of all these beautifully hidden elements that are unique and can only be discovered by ourselves: and its our actions and reactions to life experiences that steer us to these amazing discoveries.

It is this uniqueness that makes up our phenomena. We are phenomenal, we just need to realize it, accept it, own it, love it!
Our experiences may be similar but only you can reach your financial potential, reach the stage of being one with God and determine what strength and independence mean to you!

We need to be easy on ourselves! We have done relatively well in some aspects of our lives, don't let the little that is tough discourage you from smiling! Wise men say, It is not tough times that last, it is tough people...

If it gets too tough, take a deep breath... Count to 10.... Smile.... Walk away...

THE FAITHFUL CONCUBINE

In today's world there is a notion among women that there are not enough decent men that are single and willing to commit. As I take to the streets, I met up with a young confident and professional woman with a decent job, decent social life and prides herself on being a concubine.


*Karabo, 26, says "Like a wife that knows her role in her husband’s life and their home, the faithful concubine knows hers. I know to wait for his call on a Monday morning from our last conversation on Friday evening; greet him with a smile so bright it shines through the phone" she says, with a chuckle and bright smile.

She says she knows that the time they spend together is limited to what is expected of him at home as a husband. So, she makes "every second count, every minute special and every hour more exciting than the last. " Again, much like the wife, she chooses to be faithful… not because of vows of course; "and certainly not in hope that she will make him leave his wife one day!" as she rolls her eyes. "It's only because of the happiness he brings… " Karabo explains. The limited time she spends with him on the phone, impromptu getaways and meeting at their “usual” spot, is immeasurably, insanely fulfilling in every way imaginable! she elaborates.
She continues to express that "every woman that feels so deeply about man, surely won’t look at other men walking their way! It’s just in our nature to dwell in this beautiful space as women… " After a pause to have a sip of water, she mentions as a 'by the way', "please understand that the faithful concubine is also a submissive woman to this married man that melts her heart, as we have all been taught to be as women."

This one is for the judgemental reader thinking “settling for less” or “second best”…
Karabo expresses that there also comes a time in a woman’s life when all she wants is attention from a man, a man that has no reason to lie about anything because she is too tired of verifying information; a man she is guaranteed won’t give her sleepless nights on a wet pillow.... she is all cried out; a man she doesn’t have to speak to when she doesn’t want to; a man who ensures to protect her heart from getting caught up in a mad mess because her heart has been broken one too many times by a man... "A SINGLE MAN!!!!!" She shouts as she jumps out her chair.

Yes the life may appear unrealistic; going away, partying, creating ambience for every time the man takes the concubine out… "Lest we forget where we come from ladies" she says confidently! "anything solid you have today with your man was built on all those things, you were just gunning for gold and the concubine isn’t though…Don’t get it twisted…"

Now, it takes a strong woman to fight back anything that makes her feel good… but because the faithful concubine is exactly that, a STRONG phenomenal woman, she will remain faithful to the relationship her and this man agreed upon from the start… she will never stray, she will always knock sense and reality into this man and remind him of their connection and not their love…" its deeper than that!" says Karabo. It’s compatibility coupled with understanding of each one’s role and responsibility towards ensuring no one gets hurt, because the faithful concubine knows hurt… and she makes it her priority in this relationship to protect the wife from the hurt she once knew, believe it or not!

"But its not because she thinks you are suuuuuuch a cool wife and you feed her man and, and, and… Naaaaah!" Karabo laughs. She has to protect your heart because if your heart breaks… it breaks hers…. And again not because she likes you… its because then she has to let go of the man that makes her laugh after a hard day at work, a man she can get silly with at any time of the day, a man she carefully chose to protect her heart!
Oh yes, she is faithful to your heart too for her own selfish reasons… then again she is human…. And human beings are selfish!

Always remember that she will forever be faithful to both of you! Judge her, respect her, love her, hate her.... SHE TOO IS PHENOMENAL!!!!

*Not real name

CELEBRATE HER

Woman.... A daughter, a sister, a professional, a wife, a mother, a friend, a mistress or concubine, an inspirational being, a deep soul and father to some.

There are so many ways to describe a woman, good or bad, she is still a phenomenal being. One of the most mysterious, powerful and emotional creations of God's precious works.
We spend so much time hating on each other that we don't realize the beauty in our harmony as women...
We are amazing, we are here to teach about love, respect, honour, loyalty and integrity. Yet the rivalry, the evil thoughts of each other, the tongue lashes and jealousy surpass any efforts of celebrating each other as we should.

Yes, yes, yes... We cannot like or be liked by everyone but, celebrating the self, empowering the self, being yourself takes up so much of one's time that you have no time to hate on others... Claim you title as a conquerer and warrior of your destiny.... Understand that other women around you do not define your destiny, they just have a role in it! Ultimately, the decision of being phenomenal lies with YOU!

The journey I've travelled as a woman has many roads that most women have travelled as well! Down these roads and allies I have learned that it is the darkest of roads that lead u to the brightest of lights... It is those dark and gloomy walks of life that bring clarity of who you choose to take the rest of your journey of life with! It is important to know that letting go of relationships that don't serve you does not mean you are angry; you have learned enough to celebrate that relationship at a distance.

We are going to celebrate women... Celebrate the "b*tch" until her halo brightens her words, thoughts and ideas, celebrate the powerful woman so she may spread knowledge and unleash potential in other women who aspire to like her, celebrate the mistress, the wife, the friend, the father, the daughter because she too is PHENOMENAL!